On the unripened vine

This morning (Sunday) I’m sitting on my deck with a cup of coffee. It’s around 8:00am and the sun is just resting on my body. It’s perfect as it’s too early to feel the sun’s penetrating heat; it feel’s welcoming and comforting. For a second I feel normal. Umm…

That thought of feeling normal was fleet. It happened, and in an instant it was gone. It’s Sunday. But for the last three months my Sundays have been better. However last night I started my meds again.

In that moment of feeling normal I thought to myself what would normal for me feel like. When was it a time I felt that way. And for some reason I was transported to 1975 (50 years ago – 20 years old). I was on my best friends, Dan (Danny’s), family cottage roof in just a pair of shorts – no shirt. I was painting the facia and fixing the roof. Helping out. I got a sunburn that day.

His family’s cottage was on Lac-des-Seize-Iles (sixteen island lake). Just over an hours drive from our homes on the West Island of Montreal. English Montrealers call it up north (Dans La Nord en francais). That was a time of feeling normal – no health concerns, no life concerns, the bliss and naïveté of being young.

The next day Danny and I went fishing on the family boat. It was a three person boat with a motor on the back which Danny would control and steer.

We each brought our fishing gear and a six pack of canned beer each. It was a beautiful sunny day with a calm lake to just cast out our lines and just be. Our six packs we would tie a rope to and drop overboard. We’d lower deep into the water to keep cold.

We weren’t having much luck catching anything so we decided to pull up cans and move to another spot. Dan said let’s go on the other side of that bridge. There was a small road or path above that bridge and a couple of girls were on the top of that bridge. Me thinks Dan’s not thinking about fishing.

The bridge opening on the water was just big enough for two boats of our size to fit through. I was on the front of the boat and Danny was at the back steering. As we got closer to the opening I was of course looking up. Then I heard a loud bang and I was thrust forward. Unfortunately Danny was also looking up instead of steering through the bridge. Danny missed the opening and hit the wall.

Both girls started laughing and Danny and I felt like a couple of doofus’s. Then we also started to laugh and that was the end of our fishing escapade.

We caught no fish that day and later on in the local watering hole we sat at a table and had a couple of beers and laughed about the days events. Later that night he stood up on the table, hummed like a kazoo, while performing what he called a magic trick. I’d never seen him do that before and I was laughing uncontrollably. Such an awesome day.

That is what I would call a desirable normal. Long before MS made its way into my life which is now my normal.

Going back on my meds was again a decision of doubt. I doubt that not taking them is worse than taking them. And it’s one of the things that bothers me most about my MS medical situation. Nothing is definitive. I go with the flow and my own experiences. My neurologist and I have had some long discussions on this topic that I appreciate very much. But with MS I’m the one it’s happening too and at some point I have to believe in what is or isn’t happening.

Since stopping my meds three months ago I’ve noticed symptoms new and old returning and it makes me think that the meds were still accomplishing something. It feels like if I stay on this path (the one without meds) I won’t be walking six months from now. That’s pretty scary. So that’s why I started them again. I have nothing to lose.

But even on this doubtful journey there’s one thing I’m happy about. It’s that those “normal” times are still there to remember. It was a great quick moment on the deck, in the sun, this morning.

Ahimsa