Asanas that inform me #2

Jokingly she said “are you trying to talk yourself into it or out of it”

Urdhva Danurasana (Backbend)

I used to keep a log about how I was progressing (that’s a joke – the progressing part) in Urdhva Danurasana that I started about five years ago. I thought it would help me figure out this beast of an asana, but I was wrong.

I just recently reread my log and I thought that everything in it shows me what yoga is not about. Like deadlines; it made me laugh because at one point I had actually put a date when I would do this asana the way it’s supposed to look (whatever that means). I thought I would somehow magically push through all the issues I have with this asana just by pure will power – not gona happen. However; later on in the log I did notice that I said just that, deadlines are not what yoga is about – so I was learning something back then. It was an important turning point about how I viewed yoga and what it was telling me.

I regarded the Ashtanga series of asanas as points along the road that had to be passed and technically they do. But this asana thought me that I’m not passing you. What was I to do.

I came to understand that just because I can’t do a backbend doesn’t mean I can’t do yoga. It’s kind of a turning point because this impasse changed how I looked at my whole practice. I have gained so much along the way and it was around this time that breath became more important to me as I discovered how it made me feel. It’s not a coincidence that this one asana takes me completely out of my breathing rhythm. Thank goodness that Pachimatosasana is the next asana which brings my breathing rhythm back – maybe that’s why I like it so much.

The backbend story is a long one and it continues daily. This asana almost always surprises me. It’s the one asana that I have no idea at all how it’s going to go. I could be riding along in my practice feeling great and arrive at this asana and can’t hardly lift off the ground. And the opposite can happen not feeling strong and lift off with strength. I just can’t figure it out so I don’t try to anymore – whatever happens happens.

When I was first taught this asana it took a year just to get my head a couple of inches off the mat. It took about another year to get to a place that almost looks like a backbend. Jeff, my teacher at the time, would assist me every day. I think it was as much work for him as it was for me. When we finally got it to a place where I could do it without his assistance we both looked at each other and smiled. I saw just about as much satisfaction in his face as I felt. It was a good feeling. But I’m still no where near where this asana needs to be.

Picture this; imagine a cereal bowl turned upside down on the counter – that is the shape of my backbend at least that’s how it feels. I have no idea what it actually looks like but that’s how it feels. If I get assistance with the lifting process I can move my feet closer to my hands and it starts to look closer to a letter “n”. It actually feels “comfortable” if that is even possible. Trying to hold this asana in the shape of a cereal bowl is very hard.

I no longer keep a log; the only thing I can do is just keep trying every day and if I don’t find an answer then that’s the answer.

And…

I always talk myself into it.